Perfectionism, fear of not being liked, avoiding conflict at all cost, people pleasing, excessive worry and anxiety around doing the right thing, making the right decisions for baby and self, guilt for not “measuring up” (especially in the territories of; house cleaning, personal upkeep, child rearing, attunement, etc.), shame for not being the quintessential instagram mom.
No one has it all together. Perfection is not possible for anyone. Where someone excels, they lack in other areas.
But still, we worry that we're the ones lacking.
We see clips of moms with nice clothes, hair and makeup done, house clean, kids involved in all the activities, smiling and we think there’s something wrong with how we’re doing it. We think we’re missing out on something. But the truth is, you saw a curated clip of someone's life that was made for people to see.
We will continue to worry and compare ourselves to no end and feel the impact this has on our self-esteem and mental health - until we choose to consciously to explore this.
We have grown up in a society that encourages external seeking for answers, for approval. We were taught that we need to see an “expert” to gain answers to our problems. Of course, we can benefit greatly from help from individuals who have studied in a specialized area although, if we are constantly looking to others for guidance and approval, we tend to adapt ourselves to that individual person's ideals, beliefs and subjective ideas of how things should go that come from their unique, individual experience.
We might find temporary comfort in gaining their approval and advice but then when the novelty eventually wears off and more sides to that person are revealed to us, we will see that they are not perfect either and are no better than us. This then puts us in a position of feeling disappointed and lost again because we have used them as our compass which has taken us to their ideal which is not our journey.
Most of us have not been encouraged to look within ourselves for our direction or to trust our intuition. As children, we relied on the responses from our parents and caregivers to tell us what to do/how to do something. We needed to adapt to them for our survival. If our parents did not lean into this question much, “what do you think/feel about that?” (most did not), then naturally, we become conditioned to look to others for our answers.
What we end up with are parts of us who are fearful of being wrong, of not being accepted and who don’t believe that they could possibly have the "right" answers.
We have lost trust in ourselves, our intuition, our inner compass - causing us to feel anxious, to worry, to have low self-esteem, etc.
What can we do?
We can give ourselves corrective experiences through inner child work.
These feelings that we have inside (feeling inadequate, lost, scared, worried, self conscious, etc.) are the feelings of an inner child. These are aspects of ourselves that need to be seen and felt by us. They need to be heard by you, acknowledged and understood by you.
You are the one that has been with these parts of you since the beginning. You are the one who knows what you’ve been through and how you feel about it all. And you are the one that knows what you need. This is where these aspects of you can have the corrective experience that they need to feel better and to heal.
It’s about reparenting your inner children.
All the times where you feel vulnerable, want to hide, feel shame, scared, lost - this is an inner child that needs warmth and support and ultimately, the truest, most satisfying way for them to get that is from you to yourself.
These inner children themselves have an inner knowing, an inner wisdom within them that holds incredible intelligence and creativity and an essence that has many beneficial qualities and abilities to offer to you and the world. These positive qualities are hiding underneath the suppression of what they fear: unacceptance, shame and to be alone.
The corrective experience is you, yourself being with this part of you in a conscious way. This means acknowledging how this part of you feels, seeing them and holding them in compassion and understanding how they feel and how they came to feel this way.
It’s about your relationship with yourself. It is making what has been predominantly subconscious, now conscious.
It’s stepping into your power and accessing the wise, loving mother within you and giving yourself the love, protection and advocacy you have needed in the past and have subconsciously yearned for ever since.
It is taking your power back and no longer giving it away.
Once you have given your inner child(ren) a corrective experience, they then come out of their constricted and fearful position into a more free and authentic state, their true nature.
The reparenting journey is an incredible resource and method for achieving inner child healing and inner harmony.
If you're interested in learning more about how you could use this method in your journey, feel free to send me any questions and if you're interested in working with me, email me to schedule a free 20-30 minute consultation. I would love to meet with you!
#selftrust #innerchildwork #reparenting #compassionate #traumainformed #IFS #internalfamilysystems #therapy
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